I bet you aren’t surprised you haven’t read anything new from me in nearly three months. Yeah, I have posted updates and comments from time to time on my Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/LivingLife2theFullestSeries), but when it came to putting something down on paper here, I kept hitting a wall. No, it wasn’t writer’s block. Actually, I had the opposite problem; there was too much to say.
Over the past three months my emotions have run high. I went from complete shock and numbness, to intense rage (causing me to fear that one quick blast of it just might mow all of you down), to extreme sadness and grief, and finally to hopelessness. I had thoughts of never leaving my bedroom, of running away to a new city, or to go looking for the nearest available man who might be interested in starting over. So you could say it has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad period of time for me.
I recently realized that I have been mourning the loss of my former life and wishing that I could re-create it. Without conscious awareness, I have been on the lookout for Brad, hoping he would show up in some strange place or in some new person. The terrible reality is that he is not here. This realization came when I read another widow’s comforting comments to a very discouraged peer. She shared that this horrible loss gives us a unique opportunity to recreate ourselves. I was startled by the truthfulness of her observation. Despite not wanting Brad to die and disliking this new life, it is my time to rediscover myself.
I find myself, however, fighting this new stage with tooth and nail. Sometimes I nearly have to press my fingernails into the palms of my hands to cope with the sharp pain that comes from watching other couples with their secret language of coupledom. Or, I suddenly burst into tears when visiting a site that has strong or recent memories of being with Brad. There are moments when I am filled with so much jealousy and envy that I am nearly writhing in fury at what I lost.
This is very hard stage; I wonder how ready I am to share what I am experiencing and how ready you are to read about it. But I don’t know what else to do but to do what I know, and that is to write. I have fallen in love with its magical ability to communicate my inner world to those I have never met. It has helped me process the world-changing shock of those terrible three words, “You have cancer.” And, it has become a powerful new way for me to connect with myself as I hopefully connect with you. So I hope you will bear with me as I travel down this new road in life.